I got TOLD!!!

HELLO!!
I had to take a break from this wonderful journey of experimenting everyone's wide range of advice.  But I'm seeing the need to get back on the horse; for my own girls, and for other people on a journey to find out what's best for the mixed hair in their life.

Every time I see someone with pretty curls, I always ask them what products they use. Depending on how much time we have to chat, I try to get the answers to my usual questions as well. In a 3 month time span, I met 4 people that all told me to take my kids to the same stylist/miracle-worker, Kim, at a salon down the road from me.
I took my 7 year old, Dessy, to see Miss Kim, ready to be impressed and of course I planned on learning everything I possibly could from her.
While trimming my daughter's hair, she told me EVERYTHING [she assumed] I was doing wrong. I felt like she was confusing me with the average lazy, white lady who neglects her mixed kids' hair. I bit my tongue through the whole lecture, reminding her throughout that I was very ready to learn from her, very open-minded to anything she was willing to teach me. She ignored my respectful demeanor and willingness to learn. Other customers in the salon were visibly embarrassed for me.
***HOWEVER***
I will share what I learned. .


According to Miss Kim:

Age: Maybe late 40's

Ethnicity: African American

Experience With Mixed Hair: Hair stylist for about 20 years, Has a close friend with mixed kids who are now adults and have "baby soft hair" that she takes full credit for.

How Often Should It Be Washed: 2-3 times a week

What Products Are Best: Shampoo & conditioners with Low sulfates, Products with no alcohol, correct PH balance, Mixed Chicks is acceptable. She said "almost any oil is good", including Argan Oil and Coconut Oil... Miss Kim gave me samples of Shampoo, Conditioners, Hair Milk, and Styling Custard, that I should be using on my daughter's hair

What Products Are Worst: Perms/straightener, gel, mouse, hairsprays, anything for "MY" hair (white people). The leave-in conditioners that I have been using and LOVE are a big NO-NO because they contain alcohol. Anything with alcohol will dry out and shrink up the curls, making it difficult to let hair flow freely and look good.

Any Other Advice: She suggests going in for a trim every 6 weeks. When trimming curly hair, you can't do the upward motion like you do with straight hair. Instead, she says, cut straight across in order to not mess up her "Curl Pattern". That must be a fancy word in stylist language, but I think I get it.

My husband was angry when told him how I was treated and shocked when I said that I am going to take her back to Miss Kim. He said, "Why would you go back there?!"
Because I'm not going to let a rude woman or her opinions of me stand in the way of my own journey to find out the truth about mixed hair. I will continue taking advice, try it out for a while, and come to my own conclusion on what is best for my own kids. I'm sharing my journey with everyone else who might be on a similar journey.

Momma D says...

One day, at my son's football game, I got on the topic of hair with another mom. She asked if she could do my 6-yr-old's hair! MommaD has two boys, so I'm sure she was just dying to get her hands on a little girl's hair! She said, “I have everything, so don't bring a thing!” She said that she's tried so many products that her bathroom looks like a Sally's Beauty Supply! I took my daughter to Momma D's house the following day and she spent a few hours doing Dessy's hair, while telling me all kinds of new advice! Dessy loved “getting pampered”!

So here's what I learned from MommaD

Age: Early 30's (As I said in my first blog, I think this is an important factor when taking advice from people)

Ethnicity: Black/White

Experience with bi-racial hair: Herself and her younger sister who is Black/Hispanic. She said that her sister's hair is much like Dessy's hair, in it's curliness.

How often should it be washed: Once a week with shampoo. and on the no-wash days, every other day with warm water & conditioner. Choose a shampoo with no sulphates. She says that it takes some getting used to because it does not make much of a lather, so it feels like it's not doing much.

What types of products are best: Argan Oil and Garnier Fructise Leave-in Conditioner

What types of products are  the worst: Perms/straighteners, Grease, Hairsprays, Gel, Mousse, and using only water dries out the hair

What to do with hair overnight: Have it braided or put up, not able to get tangled. Doesn't recommend a silk pillowcase or do-rags.

Any other advice: Boars Hair brushes ONLY for smoothing the hair near the scalp, when styling. A comb for parting only, and paddle brush for brushing out and detangling. She says do not ever brush or detangle hair that is dry. Only if it is wet or very, very moisturized.
Use a mixture of leave-in conditioner and Argan Oil after the bath, while styling, and each morning while touching it up before school. I believe she said to put a little more each night before bed as well. She told me that Dessy's hair looks dry, damaged, and needs a lot of work. As I said in my last post, she believes that if I use the Argan Oil consistently, then I will see a big difference in her hair. She thinks within a few weeks it will be less frizzy, and easier to manage.

Now I'll be honest- the more I thought about it, I did get my feelings- or Mommy ego- hurt. I take pride in being a Mom! It's what I do! I can admit that Dessy's hair is not my number one priority and I don't spend much time focusing on it. But usually, MommaD sees Dessy at my son's football practice, on week nights, after a whole day... I'm trying to justify my child's hair looking crazy and frizzy. Is it working? So I got a little offended because I felt like she thinks I'm neglecting my girl's hair! Trust me, I spend more time on her hair than I do on my own. But I realize now that I need to spend a little MORE time on her hair... so I don't look like a bad Mommy AND so her hair will be healthy.

My Conclusion to this theory:
 I tested this theory for the past 4 weeks and I can't say that her hair is any different. When using these products, her hair is not oily to the point that it gets on other things, so I like that about these products! It is less tangly, so that is good. But she still has frizzy baby hairs that stick up after a few hours of playing or being outside. I know this might be silly, but one thing I don't like about these products is that her hair looks darker. Dessy's hair normally looks blonde, especially on the ends and I love that! Today was the first day in four weeks that I didn't use any products after her bath. I can't see much of a difference in her hair from what it was before I ever tried Argan Oil.

The photo on the left is of Dessy, sitting in MommaD's living room, immediately after MommaD washed & styled her hair. The second photo is of Dessy, the very next day, immediately after school.

 

I NEED SOME FEEDBACK HERE: Why does Dessy's hair look like that, with the little hairs sticking up all over the place? Is it normal for healthy hair to do that? Is it because it is damaged and/or unhealthy? Some other reason? Please share your opinion below. Thank you!!

This Is How We Do It...

I'll start by sharing my own experiences. FYI: The lighter purple words are links- click on it and you will see what I'm talking about =)

When my son was born, I was told that I need to put Baby Oil or Vaseline on his hair. He only had a tiny amount of hair! He was bald on the top and the sides had not even a quarter of an inch. I chose not to use anything because I wanted to be able to snuggle and kiss my baby's head without getting Vaseline on my lips & face! Also, I didn't see any need for it- his scalp wasn't dry and he didn't have cradle cap or anything at all. His hair looked straight and didn't seem to need a thing. I just washed with baby head-to-toe wash.

Once his hair got longer and had curls, I'd put a little water on the curls if they looked frizzy and it was perfect! Sometimes I'd put a little baby lotion to make the curls last a little longer and it smelled nice. I trimmed his hair here and there if it looked uneven or if it was getting too long and sometimes I put gel in it.

When he was 4 or 5 years old, we took him to get his hair cut (using clippers) and they buzzed it really short! I remember thinking he looked sickly. =( After that, his curls were never the same. His hair continued to grow more and more coarse, and less curly. Today, you can't get his hair to curl one bit! He went through a phase where he wanted to have a fro!

 

He thought it was THE COOLEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD and he wanted one!!! So we let his hair grow out for long time and we realized that his hair just isn't made for having a fro! It wasn't curly enough for a curly fro and not straight enough for the classic look. It was a little too fine in some parts and a little wavy in others. I never tried to put any products in his hair- I didn't know of any products other than grease and I knew I didn't want his hair to feel greasy.

 

 After the attempt to have a fro, we allowed him to get a short Mohawk for a while, but for the most part, we keep it cut pretty short. He usually has a nice little fade. I still don't put anything in his hair. I see no need to.

With my 6-yr-old daughter, she was born with a few inches of super soft, jet black hair. It wasn't very curly until after her first year of life. I did the same with her hair as I did with my son- just baby shampoo a few times a week and water + lotion to fix up the curls. When she was about 3, I started using my own super moisturizing shampoo and conditioner and putting friz-ease or similar hair serums in her hair after I washed it and it made it a little easier to style.

Last year, she got lice!!!! That meant an hour or more every morning and evening of picking through her super kinky curls- not fun for either one of us! I got rid of the lice and it came right back THREE TIMES!!! I finally took the advice of another mom with mixed kids and I bought some grease to put in her hair. The rumors are true: Lice do not like oil or greasey environments! The kind I bought was the best-smelling kind I could find and it had Olive Oil in it. I'm not a fan of grease because it stays on everything it touches- clothes, furniture, freshly applied makeup, and my hair- which does NOT look great when it's oily. I used it for about a month and I keep it on hand just in case I need to start using it against lice again.

Over the last few months, I've started using leave-in conditioner in her hair. Suave has some in a gold bottle that I really like! Garnier has some in a green bottle that works well too. It's great for keeping her hair from getting tangled while I'm styling it. And for the mornings, before school, I get her hair a little wet and then use the leave-in conditioner to tame it and re-style easily. I now use the shampoo and conditioners from the Suave Keratin Line for myself and Dessy- it gave me a whole new definition of smooth!!

Just last week, a friend who is bi-racial (I will call her Momma D...I'll post a blog on her coming soon!) told me to use Argan Oil from Sally's Beauty Supply. I'm not sure if this is the best thing for Dessy's hair, but I'm going to give it a try. Momma D believes that if I use it consistently then I will see a major improvement in Destiny's hair within a few weeks. I'll follow up with my conclusion later. I started using it about 2 weeks ago. So far, I think it's okay. I'm not convinced that this is THE ANSWER to her hair needs, but I like it in some ways... like I said, I'm giving it a try.

 

 

Now for BabyD, I recently found this AWESOME baby shampoo made for curly hair! It's Johnson's and it smells so nice and leaves her hair feeling silky! Then I use the Johnson'sleave-in conditioner (smells exactly the same as the shampoo) to brush out her flowing locks... okay, that's an exaggeration... she doesn't have much hair still! There's just enough to get tangled and barely enough to wrap a teeny-tiny rubber band around to make one pig tail at the top of her head, or two even more teeny-tiny piggy tails. It's really adorable FOR THE FULL TEN MINUTES before she removes the rubber bands and then she's left with an unnamed, funky hairdo that reminds me of the fur on a guinea pig.

So, I usually let her hair do whatever it wants to. Once a day, I spray a little water on it to reset the curls, add some more leave-in conditioner. A few times, I have tried Argan Oil on BabyD but I didn't like the way it looked after a few hours. It looked like the oil was still in some areas, closer to her scalp (wet-looking) and not in other places. It looked like she had been sweating heavily.

One thing that I hope to find out more about on this journey is the difference between Curly Hair, Frizzy Hair, and Dry Hair. I have heard more than a few people used those terms interchangeably. To be honest, I got slightly offended when I heard that. First of all, I have curly hair too. Just because the curls are not shining and sticking together to create a perfect curl, does that automatically mean that the hair is dry and damaged? Could it be possible that it's healthy and frizzy? I think so. Most people have different textures of hair on different areas of the head- more fine or course or straight or curly, depending on the area of the head. Has anyone else noticed that with their hair? Please let me know!

 In this case with Momma D, she feels like Dessy's hair is damaged and dry so that is why it is frizzy when she wakes up in the morning or after a full day of school. I just think it's baby hairs. My family always used the term“Baby Hairs” for the shorter hair around the hairline that tend to not lay down with the rest of the hair that is pulled back in a ponytail- most people have this problem whether curly, straight, or somewhere in between. My belief is that those hairs are shorter and they never grow out- not because of damage.

I am not a hairdresser or a scientist or professional in any way, therefore I am open to learning and I might be proved wrong.

We shall see!

Allow me to introduce myself!

My name is Elissa and I am the mother to three precious children; DD is my 10-year-old boy, Dessy is my 7-year old girl, BabyD is my now 2-year-old baby girl. I married my high school sweetheart and we'll be celebrating our tenth anniversary this coming March!

My husband is African American, I am Caucasian, and our kids all have different types of hair. Ever since my first child sprouted that first curl, I've have so much advice given to me by friends, family, random strangers at the grocery store, and information on the internet. The thing is, everyone seems to have such varying opinions and they all seem so sure that their way is the only way to care for my kids' hair. I began to think to myself that it would be helpful if I could record all these hair rules, advice, and opinions so that I can try everything and be able to find what truly works best for us.

Lately, I've become bold enough to start asking other moms, “How do you take care of your kid's hair?” and I have found that more times than not, they admit that they don't know exactly what to do, but they tell me what they've been doing and many moms seem to very open to new ideas too.

Something that I find to be an important factor is where these people are getting their tips from. Personal experience with trial and error? Something they were taught? If so, was it another average Joanne or a beauty school? The year in which they were taught is important too, because TIMES HAVE CHANGED and every year that passes, we learn more about hair in general and there are new products that come out. There are so many controversial issues in life, in parenting, and in hair. I am going to explore all I can and I welcome you to join me on this journey!

P.S. Please don't go crazy if I don't use the correct terms all the time; "Caucasion", "African-American", "multi-racial" etc. My husband and I are comfortable enough to use "White", "Black", and "Mixed", and we don't think it is offensive in any way. (And quite frankly, it just takes longer to type) I hope you feel the same. Feel free to contact me and share any suggestions you may have!